Kontrollverlust

Hi, I'm exist.

107 notes &

inthemindofcharlie:

Yes, I might be pre-op, pre-hormones, and pre-coming out to a lot of people, but that doesn’t change the fact that here and now I am a man. Maybe I’ve even always been… Just shoved the feelings deep down after swirlies in middle school, and constant bullying shut me up. I dressed as feminine as I could in high school to survive with the majority of my emotions intact… Was that what I should’ve done? I’m not sure. Did it always help? I have plenty of scars that scream otherwise, not all of them physical. But that’s what I did. I sit here, about to be a Junior in college, finally feeling like it’s okay to be me. It’s going to be a long process, a molding of the clay of my body, one that will occasionally feel like a battle between mind and body, one that might not give me the exact results I want, but nonetheless the physical creation of what it really means to be me. The struggles, the dysphoria, the constant stress of trying to pass, the disapproval of family, and all the other bad things that come with the removal of my mask will hurt, I can not change that. But through change the excitement of looking in the mirror each morning and seeing my true self shine through a little more is enough to numb some of that, and in the end the happiness it will bring me will greatly overshadow any of the pain.
So yes, I am a man. And I don’t have to “prove” it.

inthemindofcharlie:

Yes, I might be pre-op, pre-hormones, and pre-coming out to a lot of people, but that doesn’t change the fact that here and now I am a man. Maybe I’ve even always been… Just shoved the feelings deep down after swirlies in middle school, and constant bullying shut me up. I dressed as feminine as I could in high school to survive with the majority of my emotions intact… Was that what I should’ve done? I’m not sure. Did it always help? I have plenty of scars that scream otherwise, not all of them physical. But that’s what I did. I sit here, about to be a Junior in college, finally feeling like it’s okay to be me. It’s going to be a long process, a molding of the clay of my body, one that will occasionally feel like a battle between mind and body, one that might not give me the exact results I want, but nonetheless the physical creation of what it really means to be me. The struggles, the dysphoria, the constant stress of trying to pass, the disapproval of family, and all the other bad things that come with the removal of my mask will hurt, I can not change that. But through change the excitement of looking in the mirror each morning and seeing my true self shine through a little more is enough to numb some of that, and in the end the happiness it will bring me will greatly overshadow any of the pain.

So yes, I am a man. And I don’t have to “prove” it.